


Isabel hecking Guerra

by SnitorisSnape



Category: Paranatural (Webcomic)
Genre: Cute nonsense basically, F/F, Faux Swearing, High School, Humor, Suzy is a tsundere, Tsundere Collin and Suzy Bromance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 16:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7275199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnitorisSnape/pseuds/SnitorisSnape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite all of her journalistic integrity and frightening observational skills, Suzy is remarkably good at missing things right under her nose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Isabel hecking Guerra

“You know who I hate?”

It was four in the afternoon and the most comfortable temperature the day had to offer yet. It was still cook-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk hot, but no longer unbearably so. It was almost pleasant inside Collin’s bedroom, with the curtains shutting out most of overbearing sunlight, only letting it spill in when fluttering in the occasional breeze, and with the ceiling fan whirring above him and with the glass of half-finished ice mint tea sweating onto his desk.

It would have been even _more_ pleasent if a certain blonde menace hadn’t taken his electric desk fan and plugged it in on the other side of the room, confiscating it so she could be the sole enjoyer. Come to think of it, everything would be more pleasant if she wasn’t there. Collin finished typing the sentence he had been working on before swiveling his office chair around to look at her. She currently was lying on his bed, fanning herself with the thick print-out instead of editing it like she was supposed to.

Collin rubbed at his temples. “No, I don’t know who you hate,” he grumbled. “Why aren’t you reading my story?”

Suzy looked at him and then looked at the papers in her hand. “Oh, I already finished it.” She tossed it across the room at him, and Collin winced as it nearly knocked his tea onto the keyboard.

Collin took the pages from off the desk, damp in the area where they had hit the glass. It was marked up in pink pen and there were some words circled and punctuation crossed out or added. Standard Suzy editing fare. Collin skimmed through it and frowned as he noticed there were a lot of areas where she just circled a whole paragraph and wrote “this is bad.” He flipped to the last page, where the whole body of text was circled and the word “boring!” was written in pink. Also standard Suzy editing fare.

“You’ve gotten better.” Suzy voiced, reaching down for her glass of tea from where it sat on the floor. “I’d say only 90% of it was bad this time.” She swirled around the ice before taking a sip.

That was a compliment. Far nicer than what she had said yesterday, anyway. Collin figured he must be improving and smiled, turning back to the desktop to fix the grammar mistakes she had pointed out. He would have to ask Dmitri later to go over the “bad” and “boring” parts to see what was wrong with them and how to make them interesting. There was no point in asking Suzy to explain her commentary, she would just say things like, “Yikes, Collin. Boring. B-o-r-i-n-g. It’s an adjective that means something isn’t interesting,” or “What do I mean by it was ‘bad’? For someone who wants to be an author, you sure have a lackluster understanding of vocabulary.”

Collin kind of wondered why he even let Suzy see his writing in the first place, since Dmitri could fix the grammar and syntax just as well as she could. Though deep down he knew it was because her approval mattered to him, as much as hated to admit that. And besides, her hard knock method of teaching him may not have been pleasant, but she had certainly helped him improve a lot.

Sometimes Collin couldn’t help but feel that maybe that’s what she was trying to do. That she did want him to get better and that she was trying to inspire him to work harder because deep down, after all these years, she cared about him- assuming she was capable of liking other human beings.

But then Suzy repeated her question, “Do you know who I hate?” before adding, “apart from you,” as an afterthought and Collin was reminded that, no, Suzy wasn’t capable of affection for anything other than bad dubstep music and typewriters.

Collin didn’t turn from the screen. “Is it yourself, Suzy? Have you finally grown a conscience and realized what a bad person you are?” He slow clapped. “Congratulations, I’m proud of you. Well, not, _proud_ per se, but I see that you are learning.”

Suzy scoffed. “There you go about consciences again. I told you Collin, things like ‘morales’ and ‘kindness’ just get in the way of reporting on cold, hard, facts. A good journalist should do away with both.” Collin sighed through his nose, swiveling around to look at her again. “And no, I don’t hate myself.” Suzy grinned brightly. “I’m great.”

“Okay, who do you hate?” Collin asked, crossing his arms over his chest, knowing that she wouldn’t leave him alone to work until after she had finished ranting about the establishment or censorship again. That was also part of the Suzy editing process. She needed to rant in between editing his drafts. After all these years of being around Suzy, Collin felt like he knew her pretty well. 

Some people have wrongly mistaken the two of them for friends because they had been in the same school club since seventh grade and sat together at lunch and hung out after school. There had been a time in his life when Collin regarded Suzy as his best friend, but then one day in the start of middle school Cody had said to her, “I think it’s cool how you and Collin are so close,” and Suzy had responded by tilting her head to the side, confused smile on her face, and asked, “Wait, whose Collin?”, shattering any illusions that there was something more to their relationship than tormentator and personal assistant/slave.

“I hate Isabel.” Suzy said. “Isabel Guerra.” She spoke the name as though it was poison on her tongue.

Collin’s eyebrows rose. He had been totally sure she was going to say Mayview High’s principal due to the fact he had just cut the budget for school clubs. Suzy was a bit predictable in her insanity, once you got to know her. It was rare she surprised him. “Really?” He asked. “Because of the Activity Club?”

Suzy narrowed her eyes. “We don’t say the A word, remember?” Per the norm, his mention of the club had Suzy shaking. Collin was worried she was going to shatter the glass in her hand. “And no, not because of _that,_ though now that you mention it yes, also because of the-” Suzy paused for a moment, trying to find words to properly paint her disdain. “Vile Club That Will Not Be Named.”

“What’d she do?” Collin asked. Isabel was nice enough. She gave good high-fives and when she was team captain in gym class she never picked him last. She was kind of hot-headed, but Collin couldn’t see what the girl might have done to make Suzy randomly declare she hated her at four in the afternoon on a sunday.

Suzy laughed maliciously. “What _didn’t_ she do, Collin?” He was pretty sure that was rhetorical, so he just let her continue, “She got a haircut, for starters. Did you notice that?”

She stared at him angrily and he realized that she did want a response. “Uh,” He had to think for a moment, before remembering that Isabel’s hair had been longer up until a few days ago. “Yeah, it’s shorter now, right?”

Suzy gnashed her teeth together. “Right! She has all this beautiful, long, flowing, dark hair, and what does she do? She goes and cuts it! But you know what makes me really angry?” Her hand gripped around the glass tighter. “She somehow looks even better than before! How?!”

“Uhm.”

 _”How?!”_ Suzy seethed again. Collin shook his head, slowly, worried that any sudden movement might cause her to snap- well, snap more than she already had. Suzy flew her hands in the air and Collin was relieved her glass was empty and she hadn’t spilled anything on his bed. “It shouldn’t be possible!” She exclaimed. “But no apparently Isabel hecking Guerra has to look even better with side bangs and a cute little bob!”

Collin blinked at her. _Cute?_ “You hate her because…” He had to pause, trying to grasp the fact Suzy had found something, anything, (besides herself,) _cute._ “You think her hair looks cute?”

Suzy sat up on the edge of the bed. “No, Collin.” She was dripping with sarcasm. “I don’t hate her just because her hair looks cute. I hate her because she’s awful and everything about her is disgusting.”

Collin _really_ had no idea what Isabel did to invoke this kind of… confusing wrath from Suzy. Quite frankly, whatever it was, he was scared for Isabel.

“She’s so loud, Collin.” She snapped and Collin gave a little jump of surprise at Suzy’s volume. Ironically. “She’s just always laughing and laughing during class- and she has the ugliest laugh, I swear to gosh. Everytime I hear it I just start getting all sweaty and red.”

Collin blinked.

“She has that stupid letterman jacket too. Why, Collin? What’s up with her stupid letterman jacket?”

“Uh, what about it?”

The frightening, hyena-esque laughter was back. “‘What about it?’ Have you seen it? The way it hangs on her stupid perfect broad shoulders?” Suzy shook her head. “It’s so awful, who does she think she is? Everytime she sees me she’s just,” Suzy scrunched up her nose, voice changing to imitate, “‘Hey, Suzy!’ or ‘How are you doing Suzy?’ Suzy leapt to her feet. “She even compliments me on the school newspaper! She said I’m a really good journalist! Why, Collin?!”

Collin just blinked again.

“She even compliment me on my sweater-vest on friday! And afterwards, she got all nervous and rushed off and started _giggling,_ and then high-fived Max Puckett! Since when does she giggle?! Since when does Isabel hecking Guerra giggle?!”

Collin watched as she began pacing back and forth in his room, gesturing frantically and steadily getting louder. It was taking a few minutes to sink in, but it was finally sinking in. Collin snorted, doubling over in his chair with laughter.

 _”What?!”_ Suzy shrieked, rounding on him.

In any other circumstance Suzy yelling at him would have him terrified, but instead her wild, furious eyes made him laugh harder. He couldn’t help it. This wasn’t like any other circumstance, Collin had never seen Suzy red in the face unless she was yelling in anger. Never-ever once in his whole life could remember the girl before him _blushing._

“I don’t think you hate Isabel, Suzy.” Collin finally said, straightening up in the chair. He tried to say it delicately, but his words were full of mirth. “I think you’ve got a big ol’ crush on her.”

Suzy seemed to calm down a little, rage temporarily displaced. “No,” She said slowly. “N-o-o-o-ooooo. Clean your ears much, Collin? I said I hate her.”

Collin smirked, leaning against the armrest with an air of smugness. “Suzy, you see, there is something us real humans, unlike you heartless automatons, do.” She crossed her arms and gave him an unamused look.

“Go on.” She spat. “Continue with your crazy conspiracies.”

“It’s called ‘liking someone.’” Collin put air quotes around the term to better underline it. “Sometimes it’s a friend- Do you know what those are, Suzy?” 

She snarled. 

“Perhaps not. That’s okay, we can save that lesson for later. Because I think this is another type of liking someone. The uh…” Collin clicked his tongue, “Kissing and holding hands, kind.”

“Oh, Collin. Collin, Collin, Collin.” There was a slow shake of the head for everytime she said his name.”You naive, baby-faced, little talentless hack, you. I do not want to kiss Isabel Guerra.” Suzy paused, “Unless it was to kiss that dumb smile off her big dumb face.”

Collin raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Suzy planted her feet. “Yep.”

“Well,” Collin drawled, enjoying himself far too much. “From everything you told me about the giggling and high-fiving Max, it sounds like kissing Isabel might just make her big dumb smile even bigger.”

Suzy’s whole aura changed. “What?” Her voice got higher, hands covering her mouth, widening into a smile. “Really?” It was… kind of sweet. “You really think so?!” 

Was she giggling? Collin felt himself deeply unnerved. Had Suzy ever been... sweet? Oozing with false kindness and sugary praise to manipulate adults, perhaps. Never had he seen her looking so nervous or excited.

Collin’s smug smile morphed into a smaller, kinder, real one. “Yeah, it sounds like she likes you.”

Suddenly the crazed aura came back. “Hah!” Suzy coughed. “Haha! What a fool! Doesn't she know how much power that will give me over her? Liking someone makes you vulnerable!”

Collin rolled his eyes. “No Suzy, this isn’t a blackmail opportunity. This is a go-on-a-date opportunity.”

At the word date her eyes blew up to the size of saucers. “Like I want to go on a date with that- that-” Suzy’s voice got louder as the words tumbled out at the speed of sound. “That stupid-meathead-jock-adorable-brown-eyed buff-arms-nice-butt-lame-nerd likes-The-Runaways-dumb-winking-at-me-in-the-hallways-offered-to-buy-me-apple-juice-that-one-time-after-gym-class, Isabel hecking Guerra.”

Collin whistled, low and long. “Wow.”

“Yeah, I hate her.” Suzy growled, this time slow and quiet, “So I definitely don’t want to go ice skating with her or for a walk in the park and hold hands or kiss her on the cheek or text her every night or cheer for her during her karate matches or live happily ever after with her or any of the other dumb stuff you suggested, Collin.”

Collin was torn between utter amusement at Suzy’s insanity and finding himself charmed by her earnest, blushing face. She was sweating, even with the electric fan aimed at her, hissing at Collin to try and desperately convince both himself and herself that she wasn’t very, very gay for Isabel.

“Alright.” Collin smirked. “I believe you, you hate her.”

“Yes.” Suzy sat down on the edge of the bed, arms still crossed. “I do. Why did you even bring her up in the first place?”

Collin shook his head, still smiling and muttered, “you brought her up,” before kicking off the ground to roll across the room to his bedside table. He picked up his cell phone, and began scrolling through his contacts.

“What are you doing?” Suzy asked.

Collin found the number. “Calling Ed.”

Suzy’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why?”

“Because I don’t have Isabel’s number.”

Collin ignored her enraged shriek of his name as the phone began to ring. There was a click, and he heard the sound of gunshots and blaring music and yelling on the other line. “Yellow?” The voice asked.

“Hey, Ed, It’s Collin.” He said into the phone, trying to push Suzy off with his free hand. “Would Isabel happen to be with you, by any chance?” He tried to ignore Suzy’s harsh steady whispering of “-will gut you and cook you into an omelette and feed that omelette to wild bears and then resurrect you from the dead to-” as Ed’s voice yelled out his adoptive sister’s nickname.

There was some shuffling, and the shooting sounds came to an abrupt stop as they presumably paused whatever game they had been playing. “Hey, Collin.” Isabel sounded a bit surprised. “What’s up?”

Suzy must have been close enough to hear the girl’s voice on the other line because she gave out a squeak, clenching her hands roughly into Collin’s argyle sweater. “Well, Suzy’s here at my place and-” _(“Don’t you dare don’t you dare don’t you-”)_ “-I think she wants to ask you something.”

Isabel was quiet for a moment. “Suzy wants to ask me something?” She repeated and he could hear the nervous smile in her voice. A sharp wolf-whistle came from somewhere in the background and she called, “Oh, _shut up,_ wouldya, Max?” before returning to the receiver and saying, “Okay, put her on.”

Collin held up the phone to Suzy. “No, no, no, no, nooooo _oooo_ oOooohh Hi. Isabel.”

If Collin thought she had looked red earlier, it was nothing compared to now. She was sweating and clutched at the phone with a shaky hand. Her voice was high and nervous and nothing like it usually sounded. “Uh, What did I want to ask? Oh, uhm.” Suzy rounded on him, holding the phone away from her ear and hissing, _“What do I do?”_

Collin waved his hand encouragingly, whispering _“Go on.”_

He couldn’t hear what Isabel said on the other line, only that she had started speaking again and Suzy pulled the phone close to her ear, staring at him with fear. 

“Yes, I’m still here.” Suzy chirped. “No, nothing in particular. I guess, just like, what up? How are you? Generic questions. Yep.”

Collin winced. Suzy winced too, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed again, tearing at her hair with her free hand. Collin rolled back to the computer, trying to focus on his writing again to give her some privacy. Maybe some privacy would stop her from being a trainwreck. But he couldn’t resist, nor did he try, to keep look back at her flushing face as she spoke into his phone.

“Yep. No. Alright. Yeah. Glad to hear you’re doing well. Me?” Collin had to look away again, this was a little painful. Maybe he shouldn’t have forced this onto her. Though, after everything she had done to him this really wasn’t so bad in comparison. “I’m great! I’m a little sweaty...I mean haha no I’m not why would I be sweaty just kidding haha funny joke.”

Oh. _Ow._ Collin cringed. He might need to intervene and take back the phone. 

But then Suzy started laughing, a genuine, happy laugh and he figured Isabel must have taken her weird comments in stride and cracked a joke or something.

After that, it sounded like the conversation was going well. As it continued Suzy’s smile just kept growing wider and wider, and again Collin was unnerved by the fact there was something about Suzy’s demeanor that seemed sweet and girlish.

Collin zoned out for a few minutes before he overheard something interesting. 

“Do I like movies?” 

Collin turned to look at her again.

Suzy blinked up at Collin. He shrugged. 

“Yeah, I guess I like documentaries a lot. I’m also into cool action movies.” Suzy laughed. “Yeah, with cool chicks kicking butt and stuff.” She was quiet for awhile as Isabel spoke and then Suzy gave him another confused look. “Oh, is there? Seven o’ clock? Tomorrow?” Collin beamed. “Yeah, I’ll see you there.”

There were some more words exchanged before Suzy set down the phone, her expression completely dumbstruck.

“Collin, I have a date with Isabel.” She spoke the words as though english was not her native language and she was just repeating after Rosetta Stone.

“I heard!” He smiled “Congratulations, Suzy.”

Suzy nodded. “A date…” She mumbled quietly. She fell back on his bed, staring up the ceiling. A couple of minutes ticked by and she still didn't say anything, so Collin coughed.

“So?” He tried to prompt her. ‘What do we say when someone goes out of their way to help a fellow human being?”

Suzy sat up slowly, looking at him.

“I appreciate that…” Collin gestured towards her. 

She didn’t react.

“I’m grateful that you…”

Suzy continued to stare.

Collin sighed. “Forget it.” He turned back to his computer. He didn’t know why he had expected gratitude. Suzy may have surprised him several times that day with emotions he didn’t know she was capable of, but showing appreciation for him still seemed to be beyond her capabilities.

He continued working on his draft, nearly finished with the next chapter by the time Suzy finally spoke up. “Isabel Guerra is so dumb.” She snorted. “You should have heard her jokes, they’re the corniest things ever.” Suzy stood up, walking towards the desk. “Well? What am I sitting around here for, slowpoke?” She clapped her hand on the back of his chair. “Finish the next chapter?”

He shook his head. “Why not?” She began shaking his chair. “Hurry up! Andale! Andale!”

Yep. Suzy was definitely back to normal. Her cold, mechanical heart had overcome its affection malfunction and she was back to being an obnoxious busybody. Collin finished up the paragraph before printing it out and handing it to her.

The routine returned to normal. Collin typed, Suzy marked up his papers in pink, his father came to offer them more iced tea and Suzy acted unnerving and out-of-characteristically sweet to his parent, the currents billowed and the ceiling fan spun.

She stayed until she had finished the draft, graciously turned down his mother’s offer to stay for dinner, told Collin he was “down to 85% bad,” and left.

Collin helped his father with cooking, ate dinner, washed the dishes, searched for the proper spoon to feed his cat, and finished up what homework he had left. 

He wondered over his history textbook if he would ever see Suzy so worked up and embarrassed over something again. Probably, he figured. The next day at school she was bound to dissolve into a nervous wreck around Isabel again. He looked forward to it.

It wasn’t until he had finished his work and decided to look over Suzy’s corrections before he went to bed did he notice a page where the words “Thanks. You’re a good friend, Collin” were scrawled in pink pen.

**Author's Note:**

> Hehe I dunno. Collin and Suzy have an interesting relationship and I love Suzabel and I felt like writing something cute n silly.
> 
> Suzy and Collin's relationship is the sassiest thing I have ever written haha. They're pretty harsh with eachother in canon, and I headcanon they'd get more banter-y but also comfortable around eachother in highschool.


End file.
